TURMOIL

"Don't go", she said.

I turned back and smiled. I looked deep into her eyes, and even without opening my lips to utter a word, she seemed to understand what I meant.
We always had such a good connection, at least in the past.

I stood there for a while, perplexed, confused or may be in retrospection consolidating what happened a few hours ago.

In my thoughts, I was speaking to myself, screaming at times. "Don't trust people, don't open up, don't break your moral code of silence, omertà, yes! That's what they called it in Spanish. I vividly remember from the cover of the book that was kept on my seniors table".

My mind drifted away for a moment, then again I heard a constant chatter inside my head, "You are an introvert and you should remain as such. People like you are meant to be alone. They are not made to live like normal humans. People like you can't laugh, share bond or be trusted."

I said, " May be we are manufactured in that manner, what the big deal. Many others would be just like me."

It replied, "Oh really! Look around and and find me some."

I said, " There was one, and you know it."

"Where is she now? She might have been a figment of your imagination" it replied.

"No, she wasn't" I almost yelled inside me head.

It didn't stop there, rather it further went on, "You have been different since your childhood. Don't you already know that?"

My rebuttal was, "But, I always had friends".

My inside asked, "Friends you say. You never had anyone. And who was it, your brother"?

I nodded.

End of discussion.

Then I tried to regain my position in the lost battle, I said, "So what, many people have been my friend, you never said anything on that, did you?"

It replied, "Clarifications are in order I guess. They were your friends or you were theirs' "?

I again stood perplexed, confused with a feeling of emptiness inside.

Standing there and pretending everything was alright was getting difficult each passing moment. My soul was leaving scathing marks on my conscience. I was a helpless. I never felt like that before, or it was a long time since I felt like that.

"I was happy, I know I was, and only few hours have passed since then, the last time I checked", I remembered.

Now, a dark could seemed to hover above me just like it did when Harry and Sirius where near the lake and Sirius was dying. I was feeling cold. But, it's not magical, is it? I had now wands to protect me and above all Its life. Ruthless, restless and real. There is no time turner to save me. I should have thought about this.

"Are you still there"? She asked.

I nodded, then again I drifted into my own world.

I must have been standing there for long. My legs felt week. I thought I should sit down, rest a little. I didn't do it. I guess I was enjoying the pain. It has been so long since I felt like that. The feeling of nausea, anger, despise, worthlessness, dejected, being mocked.

I remembered, I read it somewhere the pain keeps you alive. It instills the very life-ness in you. It is what makes you a human. Well, I was feeling something similar to pain. But whether or not I was human, I am not in any capacity to judge that.

"Come here! you can sit with me"? I head a familiar voice in my head.

I looked at her. She was busy with her life. She looked beautiful in those sparkly white top, my sweatshirt. She even put on the hat. Her hair was falling on her face which I thought to tuck at the very first move. She was busy nonetheless. I kept my distance.

I always thought she liked me. To like or to love. It's different I guess.

Whenever she said, "I love you".

I generally replied, "Relative to what".

She used to hit me, throw punches and I liked that. It made me smile.

That brings me another human behavior. People show their true intent when they are hurt or rejected. I have had it many times. I came out as clean as lady Galadriel from Lord of the Rings. I don't believe in holding grudges. "A man should do what he must", JFK has said that. I still like this quote.

Amidst her constant texting sound, and regular message beep there was complete silence among us.

I had nothing to say. As it is mostly the case. I was with me. However, deep down I began thinking again.

"This time I did what she said. I tried to be good. Asked her not to leave to which she even promised not to. I even went out of my comfort zone and held her hand, patted her on her head. I tried my best to keep her around. Even spoke a lot just to see her smile. Ahan! the most beautiful thing in the world. Uggh! I should not think about her right now. She is so distracting."

I was different afterall. I always have been.

I looked for the reality. Apart form emptiness I couldn't find anything else. I was so lonely inside. A maze of solitude maybe.

They say you can fake in front of the world, but the inner one, who resides within your every action knows what you are doing, how you are doing, your intent, interest, motivation and everything. You can never lie to it.

I some how felt that I can decieve that Supreme soul. But, I was never more wrong. I shouldn't have done that.

People like me are meant to to alone. They live, they work, they read and they perish. And no body cares. It's the way it always has been and it's the way it will always be.

The sound of a passing car broke my silence. I turned back. It was all dark. I searched my pocket to find my phone. It wasn't there. I checked again, my fingers stumbled upon few coins. I made my way thru. I knew the place. After all I have lived here for long.
I took few steps, my hands automatically reached for the switches and the lights were on.
I moved my head, my eyes went on the sweatshirt. It was lying there on the wall.

My eyes searched for her.

She wasn't there.

"That's what people do, they give you hope, a reason to live, to open up. Then all of a sudden when you learn to live with them. They take it all away. People are brutal like life. Didn't I tell you?", said the voice inside my head.

I nodded and few drops of tears rolled on my cheek.

With all the courage I could muster. I tried to make my final remark.
"I guess, that's what people do."