Trapped

Sunaina was sitting on the porch. It was raining after a long time that day. Her room was on the second floor, secluded from other rooms, in a dimly lit corner for the house. However it was she simply loved her room. Why would not she? It kept all the unnecessary stuffs away, but mostly unwanted people. Sunaina, never liked to mingle with people. She was happy in her own world.

It was drizzling now, she opened the window pane and moved her upper torso out, to feel the light rain on her face. Somehow, these rain drops absolved her from her crimes. Absolve! It rather set her free. Her room was the only place where she could be sunaina, the girl she was meant to be.

With a coffee mug in her hand, and book in another, she sat on the window. There was just enough space to accommodate her. She stretched her legs, and put it on the window pane, making herself comfortable in her own cocoon. She was indeed like a silkworm. She had a dark kept secret that nobody would ever know.

"There is life beyond the living, there is life beyond the death, the only place life is absent is when you think it's doesn't matter anymore. We all have secrets. We all live to guard that secret. With our words, resolve and will. But, sometimes the secret becomes a burden and so much hard to keep that it's unable to bear it any longer. In such an exemplary condition, I am writing this book, knowing someone like me is out there. Who would, without a shred of thought, judge me. Because, I know I spilled my secret and shared my burden. It's a lesson to people like me, the secret keepers, for never to open up. It's up to you decide. I did a sin and I am suffering. Take my note, to carry a secret is to be alone. If you don't have it in you, the resolve, then don't keep a secret. The world of secret is not meant for you."

Sunaina's eyes were closed. She was trying to absorb what these words could mean. The words were simple, but somehow it weighs heavy on her heart. The weight of the burden she was carrying was pulling her down.

'Sunaina, Sunaina, Soo! Are you still there?’, she heard a voice calling her name.

She pressed her head on the window pane and gave put a puff of air. “Ummm! Yeah I am here. For now or just for the time being.”

“It's been a long time since I saw you like this. Are you alright?”, there was something strange with the voice, no matter how hard she tried to keep herself from falling for his voice, she always ended up in his vicinity.

“Why do you ask? It's not like you like you care whether I exist or not. Do you? Now don't you go nagging around me. You know I don't like it. Did I ask for your help? I hope not. So leave me alone. I will cope up soon. And, don't bother me.”

He could hear her clearly into his head. She was loud, clear and unperturbed by whatever he had to say.

She grew quiet. Oblivious to his existence. He never liked her for this. It was ripping her apart. He knew she doesn't have many friends and he was all she got. But, she would seldomly go out. What he could do in such a case? He tried again.

“Soo, babe I am there for you. You know that right? Although I don't say it enough but even you know I try my best to be with you. It's just the distance between us in more than overwhelming. I try not to do stupid things, but basically what I do is push you more into the corner.”

She shrugged and then looked into in his eyes. Which was fairly there on the window pane. She looked at hers, raindrops were coming down as tears. It was really hard to distinguish between them. The coherence was quite staggering. It was difficult to fathom her state of reality.

Anish was trying to figure out ways to keep sunaina engaged. It was how it worked in the past. In fact, it always worked in the past. Even a single drop of her tears was enough to melt his heart. He was looking at her face across the window pane. She was there. Her head was on her knees. She wrapped her legs and looked incessantly into it. Trying to figure out the way clothes were weaved. Perhaps, perhaps not. Even from such a small distance it was difficult to decipher her actions.

“Anish”, she said, “when will I ever get out?”

Anish knew this question has been pending for a long time. All he said was, “Soon, very soon”.

“Anish, I feel trapped in here. I never get to see outside. You always get to hang out with friends, go for a walk, be with people you love, share a meal. On the contrary, I have to stay alone, in this closed room, waiting for your arrival so that I would finally have someone to talk to. I feel like living in a loop. I want to have a life like yours. Sometimes, I feel I am not even real. Do I even exist? Will people ever know that I existed? I hope not. No one will tell them about be. It’s not because I don’t exist, I know I do”.

“I do too”, Anish interrupted.

“Yeah, you do too. But, that’s not the point, Right? I want to break free from the shackles of my bondage. I feel like I have been trapped here. But, what’s the point of all of this. Nothing ever is going to happen. You will soon go out, leaving me in this room, alone and hidden away from the eyes of people. Because, that’s what you say right? You care for me”.

Anish kept quiet after hearing all this. Streams of tears were rolling from sunaina’s cheeks. He tried to wipe them off. She shooed way his hands.

“I don’t want your presence near me. You just make fake promises which you can’t keep. And you keep saying such beautiful things and I keep falling for them. You don’t give a shit for whether I exist or not. I am no more than an entertainment for your leisure. Right, Anish?”

Anish kept looking down. His eyes were having small drops of tears. He couldn’t take it anymore. He looked across the window pane where she was sitting. “Sunaina”, he said “You know, I can’t possibly exist without you. You were the best friend I had since my childhood. You understood me the best or perhaps came closest to it. I know it’s hard to live a separate life like this. But, what more can I do?”

“Anish, I can’t take it anymore. The pain is too much.” Sunaina was clearly exasperated.

Anish stood up and came closer to her. She, did not look towards him. Instead, she buried herself back into the books. She knew whatever she was asking for was difficult. How can two different people share a same body. Anish, after all was trying his best to accommodate her into his soul. She knew she was thankful, but more than that she needed an escape.

Her eyes one again glanced at those lines, "There is life beyond the living, there is life beyond the death, the only place life is absent is when you think it's doesn't matter anymore. We all have secrets. We all live to guard that secret. With our words, resolve and will. But, sometimes the secret becomes a burden and so much hard to keep that it's unable to bear it any longer. In such an exemplary condition, I am writing this book, knowing someone like me is out there. Who would, without a shred of thought, judge me. Because, I know, I spilled my secret and shared my burden. It's a lesson to people like me, the secret keepers, for never to open up. It's up to you decide. I did a sin and I am suffering. Take my note, to carry a secret is to be alone. If you don't have it in you, the resolve, then don't keep a secret. The world of secret is not meant for you."

“Anish, Anish! Son would you come down top help me with dinner?” A calm and composed motherly voice called for him.

He knew it was time to depart. He looked at sunaina, and said” Bye! until we meet the next time”.

“Yeah, Next time”, Sunaina said.

Anish closed the book. He held his head up from the knees. He looked at the window pane. He was sitting alone. The rain stopped a while ago. The street lights were flickering at distance. The noise of his neighbours coming back to their house was soothing. He looked up and wiped his tears. He knew it’s a sin to keep people trapped. But, knowingly or unknowingly  someone was trapped within him and he couldn’t do anything to help her.

Somewhere this song was playing into his head.

“Should I listen what you say

Or listen what your folks say?

It's a tough decision to make

I don't really wanna lose you

But I don't want your folks to

Turn me over to the hands of the law

I guess they think that I'm not good enough for you

I can tell the way they act and their attitudes

As the tears roll from my eyes I feel the hurt inside

As I reach out to you saying I'm so confused

Oh

Oh

I'm trapped

Like a fool I'm in a cage

I can't get out

You see I'm trapped

Anish, stood up and closed the gate. The last thing he said was,” Bye, Soo. I will see you soon.”